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Monday, January 4, 2010
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This Can't Be Right...
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Yeah…
So here I am, doin’ the pad and pen thing again. Sitting here reminiscing of times when things were better than where I am now… granted it’s better than where I’ve been, but to me sometimes it seems the bad dreams know no end. I’m playin Nintendo Wii and I can’t even pretend to be happy for the sake of happiness for all my kin… See, they draw on me for inspiration…Unknowing to them, I’m stressing situations…
How the hell am I gonna make it as a writer? I’m even kind of a fighter as long as the cause is righteous, but now to me it seems the only one fighting is me... Everyone I fought alongside blindly leaves…
And here I am swingin’ at 50 people by myself but then they happen to come back whenever I get some wealth…Or even something to offer, so I tell em get off my d--k and let me breathe, please, the fakeness is something that I Can’t let bother me, but you can see how my spirit grieves every single time a person I’ve invested time into leaves…
They change seasons on me… it’s somethin’ Similar to the way trees shed leaves, but now I see 20/20, see, they’ve always been funny… Laughing behind my back whenever they thought I looked bummy and crummy but now they see I got potential and now they’re trying to son me and “one-and-done” me by saying s--t like “Oh he was a son to me…”
This can’t be right…
~~~~
Look at me… emotionally I’m all f--ked up… mom’s is all f--ked up, Dad’s all f--ked up from killin himself drivin trucks. My sister’s all f--ked up, so she moved back in the house with us even though half of the reason we’re all f--ked up is because she decided to leave without helping us catch up in bills…
Lets be real…I feel that’s kind of f--ked up..
Almost lost my job because I couldn’t balance work and school…Loan collectors came at me, they all threw the blame at me thinking I was purposely withholding dead presidents when honestly I was feeding them to my parent’s residence… People at College tellin me I’m going to get a blessing that’s heaven-sent for helping my family out when my siblings couldn’t/wouldn’t pay the rent…
But I’m the one strugglin’, living off of Panera pastries… lol..but stressin like a mug though, so I’m still losing weight. Everything was buggin me, food started to lose its taste and Mom’s worrying about me because she couldn’t tell if I ate…
AND THEN…
And then my sister has the nerve to ask me… “Hey, what do you want to do for your birthday? My brother’s turnin 21! 21 on December 8th! We’ll take you out to get a drink or three, hell it’ll be great!”
I only recall one detail about that fated day…I zoned out and prayed that my problems would go away. That was my birthday wish, instead the dream faded away and I woke up that afternoon to see the sky’s lined with grey but I’m determined to have a blast…I’m bumpin my OutKast…just as I get on Twitter to hear about the bombs over Baghdad… Irony…
This can’t be right…
~~~~~
I got friends, but they seem to me to be all fake. If they’re not, hey, great. If they are I can’t say I didn’t spot them in the grass as they tried to sneak up and bite my ankle or my ass… but whatever, that’s in the past.
I’ve outlasted the haters, been sarcastic with fakers and gave everything in hopes of finding a taker that’ll care when I speak and care about my grief… Even if it seems pettier than a Soulja Boy beef or if it seems simpler than that A Milli beat…actually I had given up on finding someone for me…
Then I got a gift from God in form of a tipsy text, Wrapped around a friendship complicated by distance…But I noticed every time I talked, the girl listened and every time she called or Skype’d me with her face glistenin’ from tears because of a trifling nigga that wasn't even a nigga, but regardless I couldn’t pull the trigger and cut her off quick like I did the other chicks because her crying was legit…
…and she sounded like me… Emotions got deep, I’m trippin like how can it be that the only person that understands is over 2000 miles away on the other side of this computer screen? We read each other perfectly, we don’t even have to say what it is we have to say because actions speak louder. I opened up to her completely and suddenly she allowed herself to be exposed to me emotionally and uncontrollably…
And then we finally meet again, introduced her to my next of kin, she did the same thing, it was almost surreal, similar to a great dream because it seemed so perfect. I guess there was someone who walks this earth’s surface who knows what my worth is… Someone who wanted me for me and for what I could be, and not because of the things in my environment that I was trying to leave… And we talk constantly, I know it sounds hella suspect but nonetheless I could care less about what you think… I got somebody that understands…And vice-versa…
I can’t believe how perfect we fit, there has got to be some type of loophole, or some kind of string attached… and it was…how in the hell does it take 2000 miles of distance for me to find a perfect match…
This can’t be right…
(That's my brain dump for now... lol.)
K1ng Eljay |
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posted by Secret.
5:52 PM
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