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Monday, January 25, 2010
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Zoning...
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Sitting on the couch next to my bro-in-law...kind of got to randomly zoning out on some other stuff...heard Drake's "Lust For Life" instrumental in my head, grabbed my phone and started writing on my note application (Android..not iPhone..lol). This is what came out of it, I guess.
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Zoning...
I got a lust for life...I got plans.../
its not exactly in the palm...of my hand...I'm just sayin'/
I know this sounds crazy to you..but please understand../
I'm honestly doing..the best..that I can.../
I think I'm making a mistake.../
How much more of this I can take?.../
Everything seemed so great, its../
Like all of my dreams have deflated/
I see myself growing old with you... /
But suddenly I feel myself growing cold with you.../
Don't bother me, I won't bother you...
Maybe this is something that we gotta do.../
Break up to make up../
I just need to say what.../
Exactly I want from you.../
And inside you know its true.../ Then on the other hand, I'm feelin everything about you /
And I wonder to myself how could I ever doubt you /
Self-conflicted, I don't need a witness to /
See i'd be so, so lost without you../
So what am I supposed to do? /
Honestly I don't know.../
Sometimes I want to talk, but instead/
We have to text, and sometimes the feelings don't show../
I know I'm an expert with my mask on /
But I do it so I don't have to blast on /
Anyone that can pressure my emotions /
And I guess I'm sayin that I'm really hopin.../ I guess I'm hoping she's the one for me /
I'm not used to happy endings in my stories /
Except for the ones I used to write, but I'm /
Writing this one in real life, so I gotta make /
Sure...that its right...for me...and its f**ked up because i/
Know...eventually...she's gonna see...this post and it sucks because.../
I could be overreacting.../
And I probably am..../
But I'm just tired of acting.../
Like I probably am, damn.../
Because suddenly I think that she's falling for me/
Way deeper than I can imagine.../
Funny because originally it was all me.../
But...that's what I wanted, see?.../ ...but is it bad of me if /
I can't see the things she sees, honestly? /
...all of the details, I can't spot.../
And its racking my brain up, nonstop.../
because I used to see it.../
Now, sometimes, I can barely believe it.../
No way it can be, there's something /
Else, I think it may be something wrong with me.../
I'm turning away everything I love.../
Working away my sweat and blood.../
And tears at a job that I can't stand.../
Because I don't want to quit, it'll make me less a man /
I'm not myself...that much is obvious.../
But its only one person that can help me.../
But I don't know how she can.../
I guess I'll have to open up and see.../ All of this stuff doesn't even make sense to me.../
I hate the thoughts that assail me when I'm zoning.../
Maybe for once I should just worry about me.../
There's a double meaning when I say the word "peace"... ....watch as people take this out of context and overreact to this. Smh. |
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posted by Secret.
10:35 PM
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Monday, January 4, 2010
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This Can't Be Right...
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Yeah…
So here I am, doin’ the pad and pen thing again. Sitting here reminiscing of times when things were better than where I am now… granted it’s better than where I’ve been, but to me sometimes it seems the bad dreams know no end. I’m playin Nintendo Wii and I can’t even pretend to be happy for the sake of happiness for all my kin… See, they draw on me for inspiration…Unknowing to them, I’m stressing situations…
How the hell am I gonna make it as a writer? I’m even kind of a fighter as long as the cause is righteous, but now to me it seems the only one fighting is me... Everyone I fought alongside blindly leaves…
And here I am swingin’ at 50 people by myself but then they happen to come back whenever I get some wealth…Or even something to offer, so I tell em get off my d--k and let me breathe, please, the fakeness is something that I Can’t let bother me, but you can see how my spirit grieves every single time a person I’ve invested time into leaves…
They change seasons on me… it’s somethin’ Similar to the way trees shed leaves, but now I see 20/20, see, they’ve always been funny… Laughing behind my back whenever they thought I looked bummy and crummy but now they see I got potential and now they’re trying to son me and “one-and-done” me by saying s--t like “Oh he was a son to me…”
This can’t be right…
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Look at me… emotionally I’m all f--ked up… mom’s is all f--ked up, Dad’s all f--ked up from killin himself drivin trucks. My sister’s all f--ked up, so she moved back in the house with us even though half of the reason we’re all f--ked up is because she decided to leave without helping us catch up in bills…
Lets be real…I feel that’s kind of f--ked up..
Almost lost my job because I couldn’t balance work and school…Loan collectors came at me, they all threw the blame at me thinking I was purposely withholding dead presidents when honestly I was feeding them to my parent’s residence… People at College tellin me I’m going to get a blessing that’s heaven-sent for helping my family out when my siblings couldn’t/wouldn’t pay the rent…
But I’m the one strugglin’, living off of Panera pastries… lol..but stressin like a mug though, so I’m still losing weight. Everything was buggin me, food started to lose its taste and Mom’s worrying about me because she couldn’t tell if I ate…
AND THEN…
And then my sister has the nerve to ask me… “Hey, what do you want to do for your birthday? My brother’s turnin 21! 21 on December 8th! We’ll take you out to get a drink or three, hell it’ll be great!”
I only recall one detail about that fated day…I zoned out and prayed that my problems would go away. That was my birthday wish, instead the dream faded away and I woke up that afternoon to see the sky’s lined with grey but I’m determined to have a blast…I’m bumpin my OutKast…just as I get on Twitter to hear about the bombs over Baghdad… Irony…
This can’t be right…
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I got friends, but they seem to me to be all fake. If they’re not, hey, great. If they are I can’t say I didn’t spot them in the grass as they tried to sneak up and bite my ankle or my ass… but whatever, that’s in the past.
I’ve outlasted the haters, been sarcastic with fakers and gave everything in hopes of finding a taker that’ll care when I speak and care about my grief… Even if it seems pettier than a Soulja Boy beef or if it seems simpler than that A Milli beat…actually I had given up on finding someone for me…
Then I got a gift from God in form of a tipsy text, Wrapped around a friendship complicated by distance…But I noticed every time I talked, the girl listened and every time she called or Skype’d me with her face glistenin’ from tears because of a trifling nigga that wasn't even a nigga, but regardless I couldn’t pull the trigger and cut her off quick like I did the other chicks because her crying was legit…
…and she sounded like me… Emotions got deep, I’m trippin like how can it be that the only person that understands is over 2000 miles away on the other side of this computer screen? We read each other perfectly, we don’t even have to say what it is we have to say because actions speak louder. I opened up to her completely and suddenly she allowed herself to be exposed to me emotionally and uncontrollably…
And then we finally meet again, introduced her to my next of kin, she did the same thing, it was almost surreal, similar to a great dream because it seemed so perfect. I guess there was someone who walks this earth’s surface who knows what my worth is… Someone who wanted me for me and for what I could be, and not because of the things in my environment that I was trying to leave… And we talk constantly, I know it sounds hella suspect but nonetheless I could care less about what you think… I got somebody that understands…And vice-versa…
I can’t believe how perfect we fit, there has got to be some type of loophole, or some kind of string attached… and it was…how in the hell does it take 2000 miles of distance for me to find a perfect match…
This can’t be right…
(That's my brain dump for now... lol.)
K1ng Eljay |
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posted by Secret.
5:52 PM
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