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Friday, November 27, 2009
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The Interview
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I sit down with my journal in my right hand under the bright light as a lady dressed in all white asks me…
“Can I write?”
I almost laughed.
I wiped off my black Nikes and slowly began to gripe. I don’t think they understand the effects of my plight. Lady, I can’t even relax or go to sleep at night unless I write to relieve stress in my life by somehow ranting about wrong and right…doesn’t even matter whether I’m wrong or right… I been doing this my whole life, and my whole life’s been stricken and smitten with sorrow and strife but in spite of the mess in my life, somehow I still manage to spin my problems in a positive light...
She asks me “Is that right?” Well I don’t think it’s wrong. It’s my personal truth, I’m surprised it’s not my theme song, although I make beats and rhythms in my head all day long and spit vicious punchlines custom-made by my design. And my design comes straight from the inner-sanctum of my Mind, and my mind says my lines are fine, but… something I’ve realized well over time is that people think I’m crazy when I begin to pen my rhymes…
She asks me “So why do I write?” Did you really have to ask? You ain’t seen what I’ve heard. You ain’t cried how I laughed. You’re not living for the future, you’re just living in your past and that’s why you have no real presence, and that’s really just sad.
She didn’t understand the answer, so I told her to sit and maybe in due time she’d understand what I had just spit… The way her thoughts were derailed told more of the tale.
You think I’ve gone mad? No I Think you’ve gone mad because all you see is bad and all you read out of context are the lines on my pad that bleeds from my pen until that particular train of thought ends. I call it a writer’s cycle, not un-similar to the one you go through that puts you in a pissy mood.
I could see the offense on her face, so I quickly went into what I had to say and told her that for me it happened every couple of days. I just sit in my room, thinking of how to pray To God for Him to help me and show me a better way of escape and I expect to hear something, but really all I hear Him say is “Write..”… so I write just in spite of all of the drama surrounding me, my friends, and my family in my life…
She asks me if I might be overdoing it… That’s a good question, and even if I was, I honestly couldn’t prove it or stop myself from doing it. I guess it’s my own personal drug, but writing’s better than me deciding to empty slugs or initiate a violent rivalry with a thug on the block until cops stopped the shots. Or added to them.
She looks down to ask me another question, but I knew the next one and I beat her to it stating that I might need me another outlet soon, and I’m aware how many people are clueless when it comes to doing this thing of writing… but I’m talented, and I plan to use this one until it’s useless…
She nods and stands up asking is there anything else she needs to know…
My sarcastic self responds “Am I free to go?”
She leaves without a word, although I gave her several…
I picked up my pad and pen and started to write again and for now, this is how the story ends… |
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posted by Secret.
2:34 AM
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Wednesday, November 11, 2009
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Roses (For A Friend)
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*clears throat*... LOL... ok, seriously...
~~~
It’s funny how money can change a situation /
Any miscommunication can lead to major complications /
Whether across the US, or wherever we’re stationed /
You don’t have to be great at Stats to figure the equation /
Every time I wake up, it’s like every day, some /
Random tragedy happens to people to erase them /
Rio De Janerio, Ft. Hood, Orlando /
Even the honorable honor student in Chicago… /
It’s sad, but I can see that maybe it’s just me /
That’s thinking long term, when maybe I need to be /
Focusing on the good things in front of me /
Even though maybe my life isn’t where I want it to be /
Slowly but surely, it’s like I can see /
How God’s been watching out for me behind the scenes /
It’s something I’ve taken for granted, but there’s nothing like /
A nightmare to realize you might be living a dream /
Because on paper, this never could’ve happened /
It’s technically impossible, highly improbable /
Completely illogical, but seemingly unstoppable /
The way we became friends, to me that’s how it seems /
I can’t even remember how our first conversation went… /
But every night I remember how the last one ended… /
I have no idea what I’m going to do first when I /
See you, but I know it’ll be time well spent… /
I don’t know every single thing that makes you mad /
But I just pray there’s nothing old that you resent… /
You know, from last dudes that came and went /
The situation sucked, but I think the outcome was heavensent… /
I say that, because you handle yourself so well… /
And I love saying in you I’m confident… /
Not to mention we feed off each other’s emotions /
If I’m happy you’re smiling, when you’re sad then I’m wiling… / (you know, mad. Lol)
Granted, we’re complex as hell, maybe deeper than oceans… /
But to me, I prefer that, it’s kind of our unique styling… / (you know, the way we’re made. Lol)
Don’t know if this makes sense, it might not make cents or /
Dollars either, but I just want my words to register… /
We been through so much, and sometimes when emotionally /
I couldn’t walk, you were right there to be my crutch /
Technically impossible… highly improbable…
Especially when I mention I’ve never even felt your touch /
But you have no idea how much you helped me /
And sometimes it seemed like I didn’t talk much… /
But you understood the reason to my silence…
It’s funny, I had a nightmare an hour ago /
I startled awake and I had a new email in store /
Usually in blogs I refer to her as “just a friend” /
But now… there’s no way I CAN’T think of her as more /
Because most of the time, we think the same /
And she had no idea I’d been having the same train of /
Thought… especially the last couple days /
To the point as I read her words I felt dazed /
The saying goes “Give your roses while they’re breathing” /
Because in life we never know when someone’s leaving /
And the last thing I want is for part of my grieving /
To be because I didn’t say something to them they needed /
To hear, so here, I got a BIG F**KIN BOUQUET /
Of roses to hand to Akilah someday… /
But for now I guess this will have to do /
Because although you’re so far away, no one understands me quite like you….
~~~
As a friend, I love you. I couldn’t see myself without you. Honestly, I don’t think I’d be as level headed without me having somebody to rant to sometimes. So… Regardless of what happens....
You’re kind of a big deal. So deal with it… :)
Everything else…I’ll say in person in a few weeks…
King Eljay |
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posted by Secret.
1:48 AM
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Monday, November 9, 2009
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Writing
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Just did this in 10 minutes... I hate when I'm trying to sleep and I can't because of random rhymes stuck in my head... maybe y'all don't have that problem, lol...
I’m writing, when will that stop? This time my mind’s /
focused on this laptop, what’s on my mind this time, I’m /
Wondering what’ll happen if I choose to stop writing /
Wonder what’ll happen if I chose to stop fighting /
The thoughts that I have sometimes about giving up /
But see, me personally, It’s harder getting up /
The courage to just stop, to let the pen drop /
Leave the words unfinished, don’t worry about leaving a /
Lasting image of what I’m trying to illustrate /
But the call’s too great, these words are like my crack rock /
I can’t stop, not until I move through my stress and make /
Progress, not until somehow I see the top /
The top of what? I don’t know, but I have to get it /
Because if I sit and wonder about what I did or I /
Didn’t it’ll eat through my soul like It’s acidic /
I don’t know if you can relate, my mindstate is different /
But if you take a second to listen then maybe you can just /
Envision how it would feel if you’re placed in my position /
It’s like the world’s rushing me, the problem’s blitzing /
And all I have as defense are the words that I’ve written… /
And so I write more… and then more still… /
Slowly but surely, I begin to get a feel /
Of exactly where I am, how exactly to progress /
And what’s the next step to get to the end of the field… /
When I write, I can distinguish the dark from the light /
Not to be lame, but when I write I can see wrong from right /
So in spite of all of the drama surrounding my life /
Concerning bad friends again, I just fall back on pad and pen… /
Now. Nap. Lol.
Check me on twitter @ www.twitter.com/K1ngEljay... |
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posted by Secret.
1:32 PM
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Sunday, November 8, 2009
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In My Sleep (Part Two)
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In My Sleep (The Preface) <---- Read this first.
In My Sleep (Part One) <---- If you're still interested, read this second.
In My Sleep (Part Two)
In my sleep I was spazzing out… /
This girl told me things I couldn’t believe
The things coming out my mouth… /
I asked her “what are you talking about?” /
She said, “You made all kinds of crazy /
Sounds, and you kicked me down to the ground!” /
I nodded, “I heard everything you said, but /
What are you doing sleeping in my bed?? /
I’ve told you I’m celibate for the hell of it” but /
She said “That’s not what you said last night..” /
I paused, “That doesn’t sound right” and she /
Responded “Last night you ain’t wanna be right.. /
Matter of fact, I promise I wouldn’t lie, the only /
Reason I tried? you said you wouldn’t put up a fight… /
I’m like “That doesn’t even sound like me… /
I’m not like that, I’m different, see?” /
She explained “It was a favor to me. See /
I wanted you to go half on a baby with me /
Because I can see that you’re so trustworthy… /
And other dudes they’re not so worthy…” /
I said “That doesn’t make common sense!” She said /
“It made sense to me, that’s why you didn’t wear a condom…”
I wondered where all of these ideas were /
Coming from, I knew that I didn’t spawn them /
She said “Stop playing, man! You know last /
Night was fun, tonight we should do it again..”
I couldn’t believe this had happened to me /
How the hell did I get caught slipping… /
This still doesn’t make sense to me… /
I turned to her, “Explain this to me.” /
She said “Last night, when we met in the club /
You admitted to me that you were in love /
And I told you that I didn’t want to love another /
Thug, and you were like ‘what?’ and I was like /
‘yeah’ and I wasn’t drunk or buzzed or /
Wasted off of the alcohol or smoking any Bud… /
That’s how I knew it was destined /
So I told you not to wear a glove.” /
I flipped out, “You act like that justified it!” /
She shot back, “Last night you were so excited… /
Last night it was so exciting, remember? /
You told me to jump on and ride it…”
I looked at her in disbelief…
Because I KNEW that statement didn’t sound like me /
I said, “Look, I don’t hit the clubs or /
Admit stupid s**t when I’m rollin’ bud… as a /
Matter of fact, I don’t even smoke! /
And I’d never tell a lit just so I could poke.” /
….Suddenly she got pissed off and /
her pleasant conversational tone switched off /
She got to cursin’ and screaming at me /
And started to resemble a demon actually… /
She started try and degrade me to the /
Point where it made me think maybe /
I’m failing to approach the situation logically /
To the point I felt dazed, like I just got beat/
By beat, I mean tired and restless /
I told her that she wasn’t going to stress me /
She tried to speak, but I cut her off and said /
“There is NO WAY that this can be.” /
The she got angry, reached and grabbed something /
And then began to swing it at me, screaming /
“You’re not going to leave me!! /
I’LL KILL YOU IF YOU DON’T RAISE THIS BABY!!! /
I jumped out of the bed and didn’t even notice /
my legs were still sleep, almost fell on my head /
Everything I touched I could feel.. /
Something was wrong, but it felt so real.. /
I said “Something’s wrong, I feel your pain, but… /
Tell me why I can’t remember your name?”
She suddenly grew more violent, but /
I couldn’t tell because the room fell silent… /
I could still see her wildin’… /
Her mouth still running 100 miles an… /
Hour, but my stomach was sour be /
cause I know morally I don’t have the power /
to throw my ambitions away, so I told her /
“Look, I know what I did, ok?? /
But I know me, and you’re lying to me… /
As a matter of fact, come closer so I could see- /
But suddenly the room erupted, loud /
Somehow it seemed like we had garnered a crowd, that’s how /
Loud it sounded, suddenly I couldn’t /
Hear anything compared to how my heart was pounding /
Without a sound, I feel the ground start breaking /
And I can’t keep myself from shaking /
And I can’t keep her hands from grabbing and /
Shaking me, “What’s wrong!? ANSWER ME!!!” /
I tried to answer to her face, but I /
Couldn’t even stay calm to keep my voice from breaking…
And all I could think…
Is that I know me...
I’m not a male ho, so this /
Has to be a dream…
Maybe In God’s grace, I somehow shocked myself awake /
Grasping for a breath, perspiration on my face /
Thanking God I ain’t make mistakes like that /
I’d rather live it in my sleep…I’ll just leave it at that.
~~~
King Eljay |
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posted by Secret.
9:23 PM
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In My Sleep (Part One)
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In My Sleep (The Preface) <--Read this first.
In My Sleep (Part One)
In my dreams I have crazy visions /
Sometimes that don’t reflect my way of livin’ /
I get irritated in this particular dream /
I do things that don’t seem like me /
Some people say that I’m crazy, but /
I disagree, that’s the way God made me /
Maybe it’s not meant for them to understand /
Every single thing I write out with my hand /
So a lot of times I hold it in, or I just /
Make private what I say with my pen /
But lately I’ve been kind of spacey /
Thinking about what if I decided to flip /
Heard Jeezy say on the radio the other day /
“Times got a humble nigga thinkin’ bout gunplay…” /
I’m not a nigga by any term of the curse but /
I can completely relate to what he was tryin to say… /
Then I hear about the Ft. Hood shooters /
…And the Orlando high rise looters… /
That night I fell asleep, and in my /
Dream somehow that turned into me /
Was it a twisted fantasy? No way.. /
See, me? Reckless I could never be… /
Then my dream started to disturb me /
I became more thorough over time, see… /
I started remembering more details about /
How I sent every hater to hell… /
And although we all know it’s wrong, half the /
People reading this want me to tell… /
But I won’t. It’s crazy how it happened /
How in my dream, I resorted to gun-clappin’ /
Some people’s outlets are rappin’, but /
In my dream my outlet was trappin.. /
…But I didn’t realize livin /
That kind of life would leave me trapped in /
…But then more details fell in and /
I started to remember what type of glocks I shot /
My dreams became like an extended rap song /
And I lived in that dream all night long /
No crew, I did it all solo /
Because I had the talent to strike fast and lay low /
In my dream…I’ve did it before, but every /
Time I broke a promise not to do it anymore /
But I didn’t care, I lived for the moment /
I didn’t share profit, it was all mine, I owned it /
To the point where some street cats dressed in all black /
With gats came to distribute my atonement… /
They all left, but the bodies stayed on my lawn /
It didn’t matter any longer who was right or wrong…
Then I went inside, the dream continued to carry on /
My best friend’s screamin, “What the hell were you thinkin’?!?” /
I see the sun reflecting off the .44, gleaming /
I remember seeing the barrel still steaming /
But seeing him didn’t halt me, now I’m just fiending /
To be a death dealer, opposite of a healer /
I needed it, needed to feel the gun spit /
There was a surreal feel to being a steel peeler… /
His life was on the line, he’s the bait, and my .44 was the rod reeler /
Bullets entered him, he couldn’t tell if what he felt if it was real, or /
Fake… didn’t matter, the bullets vacated /
The gun, which forced his air to escape /
He fell, then stood again, in shock from being rocked /
By his best friend, but he couldn’t respond, it’s too late /
He should’ve shut the hell up, now I couldn’t let up /
Threw a few more shots at him before he could retaliate /
He exhaled his last, the last shot blasted him /
Backwards as he crashed through my table glass… /
A phone clattered from his hand… someone was /
On the other end, now I needed a plan /
It’s a matter of time before they found the body /
Adrenaline pushed the negative thoughts out of my mind /
To the point in the dream I was out of my mind /
Crazy and blind to the carnage I left behind…
I reloaded my gun with more ammo than necessary /
If I fired all of this, it’ll kill an elephant /
How appropriate, since now I’m an animal /
I’m a beast now, I deserve my own channel /
I heard knocking at the front door, I slid out the back /
To my black Caddillac that I jacked, grabbed the Mac /
Out the trunk in the back, I could run and that’s that /
But to me that wouldn’t be any fun… /
Ran into a mutt in my backyard, I /
Kicked it in the nuts just to get it to shut up /
Heard an officer scream at me to just give up /
That thought didn’t cross my mind, so I lift up /
My left arm in fake surrender… /
Then I donated three shots for him to remember…
It felt so real, I felt unstoppable as /
Hell when it came to firing my steel /
Another cop started chasin’ but he turned the corner /
Felt a few shots and face-planted into the pavement /
The next cop shook in fear and amazement /
A split-second later the look on his face was /
Replaced with him wondering where his grace went… /
There was none shown, I ignored his pleading statement… /
Suddenly I felt the ground shakin’ /
The concrete around my feet started to break, and /
I looked ahead of me, spotted a kid in a blue hoodie /
I shot at him twice, he dodged twice, he was too good, he /
Didn’t speak at first, didn’t utter a word /
Somehow in my soul, every word was heard /
He said he could understand me, he honestly could feel me /
But he said it was in his best interest to kill me…
“Kill me?! Nigga, you a damn fool! /
Class is in session, don’t make me take you to a damn school /
You sound like a class clown, but really you’re a class fool! /
Never challenge me unarmed, I have a damn tool!”
I raised it, blazed it, once, twice, three times /
He stood unfazed, it blew away my mind /
Suddenly my eyes shifted, I’m seeing red /
He said “You shot yourself,” but I didn’t believed what he said…
Then I felt something warm on the side of my head /
I fell to my knees, suddenly aware and scared /
Suddenly the only thing that mattered to /
Me was getting enough strength to gather /
Myself, thinking, “I can’t rest, no not yet /
There’s at least two more cops I owe shots around the block…” /
That boy in a blue hoodie opened a black journal /
And said “Just give me a sec, you know, to interject… /
“The differences between me and you are pitiful /
You chose guns as a way to garner residuals /
I choose to use syllables to keep me cool /
Even when stressed I abstain from using a stainless /
Grabbin a gun would only make me brainless /
And it’ll basically invite death to my doorstep /
I can’t go that route homie, I’m too blessed /
I’d rather kill you myself, so let’s put you to rest… “
I stopped him, “This can’t be real, I’ll chill /
I’ll fall back and you can write since that’s how you feel!” /
He said “No….we’re the same…you can’t see?” /
Suddenly I realized that that kid…that kid was me… /
He said, “You keep me awake with all these crazy dreams /
Remember, you almost killed me when I was 13? /
I’m ending this now, not a day later /
I’ve been waiting for the day to return the favor…”
My body grew colder, I trembled and finally /
Fell over and landed on my right shoulder /
I tried standing, but it was like I was being held /
Down by a boulder, the dream was finally over /
….And that’s how it had to be /
Writing became my way instead of choosing gunplay /
So inside of me I knew I had to kill my anger /
To keep myself from getting into any type of danger /
Then I woke up… my sheets were off the bed /
Pillow was over my head…some girl falling out of my bed…
To be continued... |
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posted by Secret.
9:21 PM
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In My Sleep (The Preface)
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I'm halfway scared to even post these. I can't explain the way I think, or the way I used to think, so I won't try. Just know a couple of things before reading these.
1) I'm fine.
2) I'm not about to go psycho.
Seriously, drill that into your head before reading these, because it's a different tone from anything else I've posted on here. Pretty much...
I can't explain it really. The creepy thing about this though is that I wrote both of these at two different times. The 1st one is actually the second one I wrote two days ago. The 2nd one is the first one I wrote about 3 or 4 months ago before I started this blog.
Or something like that.
So.... yeah.
King Eljay |
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posted by Secret.
9:17 PM
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Monday, November 2, 2009
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Worry...
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Just wrote this... pretty much an account of my day and the things that's been going on kind of. It's just...yeah.
~~~
As I get home, as the night goes by /
Emotions surround me, as I fight not to cry /
I have one obstacle left before I let it go /
Gotta get past my mother, can’t let her know /
Although deep down she knows I can’t let it show /
I don’t have an option, can’t let the tears flow /
I walk in, I ask her how she feels…/
She bombards me and tells me about the bills… /
And how it feels to struggle with no end in sight /
So now I’m trying not to break my character /
Because I want to cry with all my might /
But as far as my character, I’m not an amateur /
I do this all the time, and people don’t notice /
Inside I’m screaming, outside I’m calm, focused /
People ask, I give them advice that’s potent /
But inside, I’m struggling not to feel hopeless /
So I break free finally, it’s just me /
I close my door to the prison I feel I’m roped in /
Emotions are warring, my friends are fighting /
The only solace I find is writing… /
So as I sit in my darkened room /
With Microsoft Word on a 2 page zoom /
And tests in the morning and stress tied to mourning /
Not to mention the hurt from relationship longing /
Because I still wonder if our decision was wrong, see…/
Bills tryna crowd me and friends tryna doubt me /
My parent’s health declining, my work situation /
Changing so drastically I’m contemplating resigning /
And work hiring new people to try and fire me /
…It’s easy for me to forget how to breathe… /
….One step at a time /
It’s therapy to me to write these lines… /
And as great as that sounds, not /
Even writing works for me all the time… /
Even though I’m always in a hurry /
The only thing that fits into my schedule is worry… /
And every time I seem to get a grip /
Extra weight gets added, and it seems to slip /
From random text messages from suicidal friends /
To parents breaking down because of lack of ends /
I shove my problems to help with their discouragement /
Whether it’s fam, friend, associate or girlfriend… /
Usually my poems have a happy ending process… /
But I can’t close this, because it’s still a work in progress… |
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posted by Secret.
10:29 PM
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:-( good poem, bad situation....you can talk to me about it though. You always listen to me ranting whenever I have a weird or random breakdown. I dunno why you think I wouldn't do the same :-/
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